Retro Review: Barbarella

So the other night, after a long and fairly stressful day, I decided I needed to watch something not-so-serious. I've had a copy of "Barbarella": Queen of the Galaxy sitting around for ages, and I knew it was time for a little Jane Fonda workout, if you know what I mean.

It had been years since I watched Barbarella, and it was every bit as awesome as I remembered. From the opening credits, played over Barbarella doing a strip tease out of her space suit at zero gravity, you know this film is going to be something special. That space suit? Clearly held together by Velcro (or something very much like it...did they have Velcro in 1968?). The entire inside of Barbarella's big pink spaceship? Orange shag carpet. The music? Never will you feel so compelled to run out and buy go-go boots.

Make no mistake, this movie is ridiculous from beginning to end. The plot, such as it is, involves Barbarella fulfilling her mission (as a what, you never really learn) to find Durand-Durand, the missing earth scientist who invented a positronic ray. But really, the movie is about Barbarella cavorting across a planet, conveniently ruining outfits and exploring her newly-discovered sexuality. Barbarella loses outfits the way people lose lives in some horror movies: very creatively. At one point she's attacked by razor-toothed baby dolls. Then there's the parakeet attack...and then of course her clothes are ripped off by the giant sex-torture piano. These are not really spoilers...these scenes really have to be seen to be believed.

Sometimes, the dialogue is clearly supposed to be funny, such as Barbarella's "What's that screaming? A good many dramatic situations begin with screaming..." Sometimes, I'm not so sure, such as when an enraged Durand-Durand yells, "I'll do things to you that are beyond all known philosophies!" But nearly all the dialogue is either hilarious or hilariously delivered. Every word Fonda utters, whether it's space jargon (much of which could rival anything on Star Trek) or sexual advances, is delivered in a dry, dead pan manner that has one marveling at her Oscar win just a few years after this film. The rest of the cast is just as awesomely bad, including John Phillip Law, who made a career out of movies like this (including at least two that became excellent MST3K episodes).

Watch it for the terrible special effects. Watch it for the awful dialogue and acting. Watch it for the crazy late-60s music and freak-out scenes. Watch it for the skin, 'cuz there's plenty of it. Just watch this movie at some point in your life. I've heard rumors of a possible remake of this movie for years now, but I don't think it can be done. Barbarella was paradoxically both ahead of its time and also purely a product of the 60s. I'm not sure exactly what I mean by this, but I think you'll understand if you watch. And remember, the password is "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch"!